It's close to midnight on the eve of chemo round three. I'm not nervous or anxious, I know what to expect and I'm prepared, yet I'm wired. I have to keep reminding myself to pause and take a deep long breath. There is no fear. What will be, will be.
I'm scared of little things; like not spending enough time with my little boy. I feel so tired lately. I'm afraid of time passing by too quickly; of me missing out on him growing up. He says a new word every day. He grows more and more perceptive with each passing week. He grows more mature and more understanding almost too soon.
How I wish I could smash all the clocks so time would stand still, then Shabd and I could cuddle in bed and read the Tigger story over and over and over again. These are the moments when I feel most alive, the mummy moments. Each smile, each tear, each wink, each nod, each dance, each song, each new word; like precious pearls, I parsimoniously collect these memories and string them around my heart.
How will cancer change all this? In every possible way and not at all! I've become obsessed with wanting to mark the passing of each chemo. A sort of earning of a merit badge of sorts I guess. I've thought of buying a special Kroll or Pandora bead with each chemo, or scrapbooking, or mosaicing, or painting, or beading, sadly nothing quite fits my objective.
So here I sit, on the eve of chemo 3 and still no chronicling done. And as I type these words, it hits me! As Tigger said; "Maybe I've been goin' about this all the wrong way, upside down." And that's exactly it! I have been going about this the wrong way upside down!
Instead of focusing on each chemo cycle, i should be focusing on my string of pearls. I should make my memories and not sit on the sidelines waiting for someone to bounce with me. I should do what Tiggers do best, bouncin and act real tiggery! "Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!"
Shabd and I can be quite good at b-b-b-b-b-bouncing. I didn’t realise that. We donned our animal ears tonight, and had a good laugh at how silly we looked. Shabd was in a fit of giggles seeing mummy with her smart black cat ears meowing quite kitten like. I even go a "encore" from him!
Sometimes we cannot see the wood from the trees. I already have a lustrous string of beautiful memories, and being in a very tiggery mood, I'll share some with you. When next you're in the Hundred Acre Wood, come bounce with Shabd and I, we'd love the company and can't wait to add another pearl to mummy's beautiful necklace.
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| Shabd and mummy enjoy a day at the beach |
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| Papa let go! I can swim on my own, really!! |
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| Le petite lapin! |
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| I love sitting on mummy |
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| Family self portrait |
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| Nosey-nosey! |
Yet another beautifully written story! :) I think it could also have been titled "Lessons from Shabd". How easily the little man forgets his booboos and just runs off again for some more adventure. The day is too short to focus on the bad things, to lament.. It's all about - how quickly can I get to my next activity! :) Your pearl necklace is really beautiful Varsha, and seems filled with plenty of nice memories. And trust me, as the days go buy, the chain will just keep getting longer, for you to keep adding more and more pearls to it :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful story Varsha, Its moments like these that makes me realise how important life is and that its our family and loved ones that matter that most in times when we need them the most.
ReplyDeleteShabd is growing up to be such a handsome and intelligent boy, I hope he gains your strength as he grows more and more into a fine young man.
No words.... x
ReplyDeletebe strong varsha! and continue writing, your pen is a joy to read. lots of love from rony and ashwina
ReplyDeleteThank you for the comments...so encouraging to read...sometimes i wonder if the words should rather not stay in my head!
ReplyDeleteDon't forget to keep b-b-b-b-bouncing!