Too Tired

I’m tired, physically and I suspect emotionally drained. Not a day goes by when gazillion thoughts have not raced through my mind. “Why did this happen to me? Why now? This is so inconvenient! Why is Shabd ill again? Does he eat enough? Will the garden ever get done? Does Akash know how much I appreciate him? Will I get work again? What will change when I come out of this journey, this tunnel? What lessons did I not learn the first time round? Am I blessed or cursed? Are my siblings okay? My mummy doesn’t look too well, should I take her to see my homeopath? How? What was on my list of chores for today?”

I’ve tried filling my day with activity to drown out this constant stream of thoughts. And while I’m exhausted by the end of the day, I am no closer to inner peace and tranquility. I’m beginning to think that inner peace and tranquility is a myth, intangible concepts of those not exposed to the incessant buzzing of my busy mind.   
 

I need to slow down, I tell myself, breathe. Akash suggests Surya Namaskar every morning. I suspect he’s not far from the mark. But slow down how? I don’t achieve much right now! I do chemo…that’s the sum total of my existence at present. That and constant activity that doesn’t garner much nor reaches completion. My decoupage projects lay unfinished on the table. Bare canvases sneer at me. Empty photo frames beg me to be filled with smiles. Project lists and expeditions untaken taunt me.

I’ve always prided myself on being a catalyst, my life purpose being to ignite passion in others. Little did I know that this very characteristic will come haunt me now. So many thoughts, so many just-started projects and no end in sight. Come to think of it, it's like my chemotherapy journey; I’m chugging down this dark tunnel, I know my destination and I know how to steer but knowing this offers little comfort when the light at the end of the tunnel is yet so dim.
 

If I was forced to nay impelled upon to find those moments when my mind was tranquil this week, it would be sitting at the side of the pool chatting with Uresh and Tascia, or sharing a glass of wine with Akash or looking at Shabd playing in the sand, listening to Nishka tell me about her friends at school or seeing Yash cuddle up with his Nani. I don’t realize that I’m at peace during those moments, only that I felt happy.

 

Maybe finding tranquility has more to do with “what” I do as opposed to “how much” I do. Maybe finding tranquility means I need to be more discriminate in choosing what fills my hours. I have not a clue Sherlock! It seems in many ways that the lessons imbibed from my first cancer experience bear little relevance to this leg of the journey.

For now, having emptied my mind into this pensieve, I’ll lay my weary head to rest and aided by Shabd’s rhythmic breathing, slumber soundly with my family with my mind focused on some fantastic advice MM shared with me (see below).

 

 

Great advice don't you think?

"Mummy"

Hands down, I have the most adorable boy in the whole wide world, possibly the most mischievous, but hands down the most adorable boy in the whole world. When Shabd is fast asleep and his little hands instinctively reach out to hold onto me, I know I’m loved by God.

When he wakes up from his afternoon nap and finds no one in his room, the first thing he says is, “Mummy.” While I occasionally feel that the word is a little worse from wear, and I have to admit that I do complain that it’s uttered a tad bit too often, it is when I’m not around Shabd that I miss hearing, “Mummy.”

I dread the day my little boy grows up and loses his innocence, when “MUMMY” is uttered in frustration or anger or even God forbid in annoyance. But time marches on, one can smash all the clocks in one’s home, yet tick tock tick tock, she marches relentlessly on. And in an Eeyore voice i have to admit, "that day will come."

So for now, my cup runeth over in gratitude for the time I spend with Shabd. For the morning whispers while Papa is still asleep, for the painting, baking and peek-a-boo, for the reading of much loved books while Shabd sits on my lap, for the shy smiles, I-know-I shouldn’t-be-doing-this smiles,  and for the sudden fierce hugs Shabd pounces on me every so often.