I’ve tried filling my day with activity to drown out this constant stream of thoughts. And while I’m exhausted by the end of the day, I am no closer to inner peace and tranquility. I’m beginning to think that inner peace and tranquility is a myth, intangible concepts of those not exposed to the incessant buzzing of my busy mind.
I need to slow down, I tell myself, breathe. Akash suggests Surya
Namaskar every morning. I suspect he’s not far from the mark. But slow down
how? I don’t achieve much right now! I do chemo…that’s the sum total of my existence
at present. That and constant activity that doesn’t garner much nor reaches
completion. My decoupage projects lay unfinished on the table. Bare canvases sneer
at me. Empty photo frames beg me to be filled with smiles. Project lists and
expeditions untaken taunt me.
I’ve always prided myself on being a catalyst, my life purpose being to ignite passion in others. Little did I know that this very characteristic will come haunt me now. So many thoughts, so many just-started projects and no end in sight. Come to think of it, it's like my chemotherapy journey; I’m chugging down this dark tunnel, I know my destination and I know how to steer but knowing this offers little comfort when the light at the end of the tunnel is yet so dim.
If I was forced to nay impelled upon to find those moments when my mind
was tranquil this week, it would be sitting at the side of the pool chatting
with Uresh and Tascia, or sharing a glass of wine with Akash or looking at
Shabd playing in the sand, listening to Nishka tell me about her friends at
school or seeing Yash cuddle up with his Nani. I don’t realize that I’m at
peace during those moments, only that I felt happy.
Maybe finding tranquility has more to do with “what” I do as opposed to
“how much” I do. Maybe finding tranquility means I need to be more discriminate
in choosing what fills my hours. I have not a clue Sherlock! It seems in many
ways that the lessons imbibed from my first cancer experience bear little
relevance to this leg of the journey.
For now, having emptied my mind into this pensieve, I’ll lay my weary head
to rest and aided by Shabd’s rhythmic breathing, slumber soundly with my
family with my mind focused on some fantastic advice MM shared with me (see below).
You are doing a fantastic job this far! Your courage and determination is inspirational not only for others fighting a similar battle than you are but for people who fight a far less battle in comparison to cancer. Why you? I don't know... Seems unfair, YES! But I know that you have faith in the bigger picture, like the first time, there is a reason that this has happened. Perhaps there is no lesson for you? Slow down 'Tigger'! Slow down! Try to still the mind. You have no reason to worry, we are all taken care off, you too! So what if projects lie unfinished? When is a project ever complete? Do your best, and that's enough! Take each day to experience the joy you're surrounded by. There is love in a stroll on the beach, love in sniffing the roses, love in feeling the gentle breeze kissing your cheek!
ReplyDeleteYou are loved beyond comprehension! Never doubt that!
Sterkte my liewe sussie!
Thank you....tears to my eyes.
DeleteYou two sisters are so much alike, its scary... But, I echo Dipika's sentiments here. The tranquillity and stillness of mind can only be achieved by not focussing on the result, but enjoying the journey to its completion. If the journey takes longer than expected, sometimes its better that way :)
DeleteTaking it one step at a time, one breath at a time...
ReplyDelete