It's Okay Mummy

There is no stability, life is constantly in a state of flux. In fact, we are all made of blubber, the whole world is made of blubber and anyone that says otherwise is blubbering!

September has rushed by and I'm ashamed to be writing the first blog for the month now, almost at the end of the month. But deep breath, it's been a challenging month and i need to be more kind to myself, so it's okay!

"It's Okay," two tiny words that mean so much to my little boy. "It's Okay" means that everything is okay with the world as he knows it. As adults, we don't often realise just how small our children are and just how big the world is to them. They rely on us to be their map of the territory, their compass, their companion while navigating new and every challenging but oh so exciting and sometimes scary terrain.

Whenever Shabd and i have a tiff, through his tears and crying he always manages to tug deep into my soul, with his big brown imploring puppy-dog eyes, sobbing "it's okay mummy" over and over to me until i reaffirm "Yes Shabd, it's okay." Two simple words that lets my little boy know that all is well in his little world.

How i wish someone would tell me "it's okay" - that yes, my little world imploded on me 9 months ago with the cancer diagnosis; that yes, weekly chemotherapy is not pleasant; that yes, being operated on twice just weeks apart is gruelling on the body; that yes, having to uproot my family so i can have radiation is frustrating; BUT, IT'S OKAY! And i wish i could believe it.

These past nine months, I've often been called strong and inspirational. I feel i have been neither. I have been a tough mistress to myself, driving myself hard, refusing to accept that my body would or even could fail me, despite the obvious indications that it has! I've allowed myself no indulgences, no forgiveness, no kindness, no compassion. I've turned drill master and ordered myself to get on with it. This was not the place nor the time for tears.

I've come to realise what a great injustice and disservice I've committed to myself. Instead of nurturing me, when i needed it most, i punished myself.

So, after much reflection, this being my birth month, and as we all know one tends to be more pensive around ones birthday, I've come to the great realisation that (drum roll please) i need to nurture my inner child! After all, i would never allow someone else to treat a child the way I've treated myself.  Dare i go as far as to say that this behaviour borders on abuse! How dare i deny myself kindness, compassion and love.

When did i stop nurturing myself? When did i stop saying, "It's Okay" to myself? Are these questions important enough to be brought up for close inspection under the spotlight? I might not have been doing this self-nurturing thing right, but the spotlight is on me now...and i see the error of my ways. So instead of beating myself up and entwining myself further into this ball of self-denial, i chose rather to hug myself tightly, Shabd style, and say "It's Okay Varsha, It's Okay."