Eureka

Legend has it that Archimedes was so thrilled with his discovery of buoyancy that he immediately hopped out of the bath and ran onto the streets naked shouting 'Eureka!' 'Eureka!”. It is rumoured that had his wife not filled the tub to the brim, this discovery would never have been made. But I digress.

I had my own “Eureka” moment this week. I finally discovered the reason for my recent bout of misplaced aggression, annoyance and impatience; drum roll please….Menopause. Yep! Full-fledged, hot flush and all menopause! Unlike Archimedes, I've resisted the urge to run naked onto the streets yelling at the top of my voice, "Eureka! Eureka! It's menopause!". But the thought did cross my mind.

Imagine my annoyance at myself, it’s the second time I’m experiencing menopause, I should have recognized the symptoms sooner, I should have connected the dots months ago! Chemobrain you will be my own undoing yet! Urgh!!

Having had my light bulb moment was like something in my brain clicking into place, and slowly but surely (like watching a fight scene from The Matrix in super slow mo), the cogs in my brain started turning until eventually the fog lifted.

I realized that I’ve been too full of “I shoulds, I will, I musts” instead of just being; accepting my limitations, embracing me, in all my quirky uniqueness (I’ve discovered that cancer brings out the quirky in many!).

Instead of supporting Shabd during a very difficult time, I’ve been terribly impatient with him. His nounou has gone to Swtizerland to visit her grandchildren; she will be away for 3 months. Shabd has not taken too well to her replacement. He’s absolutely crestfallen at having lost his nounou and has been vacillating between absolute clinginess to mummy (whining come free) and moping in silence all the while lying on the floor.



Shabd and Nounou Lysie

I should have been kind. I should have understood his pain, his hurt, his loss. Instead, I was impatient and annoyed that he was so clingy and not adjusting fast enough to this change. I was angry at myself for not being sensitive enough to his pain especially since I know how much he loves his nounou.

I’m glad I’ve had my “Eureka” moment. Finding the reason for the way I’ve been feeling is not a resolution in itself. It doesn’t diminish the mood swings or hot flushes (and boy are there quite a number of those) – it does allow me freedom to let go though. Freedom, to forgive myself. Freedom, to be kind to myself. Freedom, to say to myself, as Shabd often says to me while gently stroking the top of my bald head, “it’s okay.”



Selfie

I’ve not slammed on the brakes. I’m done with “should haves”. I am that I am. And for now, what I am is menopausal, in all its grisly glory.  Acceptance is the wonder salve to this festering wound of self-berating. It’s amazing how pleasantly different things are once one stops berating oneself.





Ice-cream...without the cream!

Shabd and I spent the morning at Flic-en-Flac on Friday. We had a fantastic morning of playing in the sand, walking on the beach, singing, eating ice-cream and taking selfies. We had a long chat about nounou, how much we both miss her and how it was okay to be sad. Shabd, ever his father’s son was gracious as always with me. For the first time in weeks, when Papa arrived home that night, the atmosphere was jovial and there were wide grins all around. We spent the evening singing and talking, just the three of us.



Sea, Sand, Sun all year round

On Saturday, Shabd and I, along with LK went to visit MM and her family. For the first time in months, Shabd didn’t throw any tantrums, he did not scream or yell or become impatient with me. Instead, he sang along to his CD while in the car for 2 hours it took us to get to MM’s house. He happily ate all his food despite lunch being served an hour late and shared his toys with MM’s sons. Could it be my acceptance of myself that precipitated this positive change in Shabd’s behavior?

The love of my life

On Sunday, Akash and I reconnected over a lunch date at Spur; yep, voted most kid-friendly restaurant on the island by yours truly. So kid-friendly in fact that we go there even on dates. I felt as if I had stepped back in time, savouring the time spent talking and holding hands.



My house is not immaculate. My garden is more veld then garden. Our washing machine has packed up leaving a pile of laundry as high as Mt Kilimanjaro and I’m not always successful at gathering enough energy or will to prepare dinner every night. And it’s okay. The cogs turn slowly as I learn that if I’m okay, everything around me will be okay too. That it’s okay to let go of the “should haves” and just accept things as they are for now. For in time, this too shall pass.

Beekharry Selfie!