The Power of Armour

Akash and I feel like war-weary-warriors. We've had our armour on for so long, we're not sure we know how to take it off. I feel that mine has fused to my body. Life has hurled her fair share of woes toward us and we've often felt our armour weighing us down into the deep dark blue.

Grace gently reminds me that it's time to let go, "just accept and i will guide you" she whispers. I vehemently shake my head. I love my armour. It has served me well. It has protected me from hurt and pain and with it on, i know i can beat anything - even cancer, twice!

But as time tick-tocks by, i realise that life is not going to get easier or simpler or less-anything. And so, drowning, spluttering and hanging on for dear life to Akash, for the first time in a very very long time, i consider taking my armour off.

How does one just let go of things. Troubles are not black and white spotted feathers that float away with the merest breath. They are real, forged in the bowels of some hell. I need my armour i whimper almost silently.

My armour has fused to my body, it has melted and merged into my skin and bones. There is no gentle way to remove it save to yank hard!

Thankfully, Shabd is there to run a soothing hand over my blistering wounds. To rub the salve that is his smiles and joy. And thus encouraged, i yank again and again, wincing, eyes tearing but knowing that this pain too is cathartic.

I sat down and made a list of things that bring me peace and joy and tranquility last night. I've shared a sample of that list for you:

• Browsing in a book store
• Watching the sun set
• Going for a long drive
• Hugging Shabd
• Sitting on the stoep talking with Akash

I've made a commitment to myself to do something from that list every day. It's not because i feel the need to spoil myself but rather that i've realised that acceptance comes by bringing joy into my life. 

I accept Shabd totally and utterly as he is. He cannot help but be different from us, and in so many ways, be similar. And that unique combination of DNA that makes him who he is, is what brings so much joy to us. 

We sit on the sand, Shabd, mummy and I. All appreciating that magical hour just as the sun dips into the ocean. In the final moments, the clouds part, to let glorious rays of sunshine through and i feel little arms hugging me tightly. I smile and feel my armour slipping off.